


It's whatever who cares?

by Okkk



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Eating Disorders, Other, painful, triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-04
Updated: 2018-03-06
Packaged: 2019-03-27 04:23:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13873050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Okkk/pseuds/Okkk
Summary: Just another issue Dean pushes away to the back of his mind.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> #Wedon'tdealwithfeelingssquad

Dean lay there on the borrowed bed and slumped against the wall behind trying to will the pain in his belly to go away. It wouldn’t obviously since he’d eaten the weight of a baby cow. ‘Baby cow? How much does a baby cow weigh anyway and fuck. Aren’t they called something else, ah fuck it’ thought Dean lazily as he tried to muster up the courage to get up and go to the toilet.

Why did the sleepiness have to come in now, after he’d eaten he thought frustratingly. He still had a shit ton of research to do that Bobby had dumped back on him since he was too busy translating something from last week and of course Dean decided to stuff his face instead of doing what he was supposed to. The burger had looked so good an hour ago with the waffles, syrup, crispy bacon, and the dozens of different candy bars but right now, he felt as though he’d never be able to look at let alone eat those things ever again. 

He suppressed a shudder at even thinking of eating ever again and tried to convince himself that his stomach wasn’t hurting because he’d eaten so much. No maybe it was nerves or something. Nonsense and he knew it. It’d happened enough for him to know better but it was out of his hands now. Is this what pregnant ladies feel like? He thought pityingly vowing to never knock any lady up if this was the shit that came with it. Forcing himself to get up, only because he knew he wouldn’t be able to relax until it was out, he went to the bathroom.  
Locking the door even though there was no one there, he stood staring at the toilet giving himself a minute before bending down and stuffing those two fingers down as far as possible. Probably have no gag reflex though, could probably give the best blow job this wretched country has ever seen he thought, coughing as he choked on the laugh that came up. Praying that Sam wouldn’t be back anytime soon, he carried on and didn’t even give himself time to feel relief as he watched it come out, again and again and again. He really really wanted to get up and stop now, 5 minutes later (felt like 20) but he carried on, now pressing his knees into his stomach to get the extra bits out. Come on come on come on he chanted, eyes starting to water and back starting to cramp. Fuck this was painful on every level. He pushed really hard and…there it was.

He watched a huge stream burst out of his mouth in satisfaction and then stood up rubbing his belly. Felt much flatter. Yeah he could probably do more but there was no more stuck in his throat and he felt mostly empty so he flushed and flushed again and then washed up, gargling water and popping two mints. Wouldn’t do for Sam to notice something after all the secrecy. He lay back on the bed, finally feeling elated enough to start working on the research and pulling it apart.  
Yeah. Sam couldn’t ever find out. He’d ask why and Dean didn’t know why. 

‘Yes you do’ a voice in his mind said which he pushed back into all the shit he never had time to deal with.


	2. Low

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> same shit

He wiped his hands with some leftover wipes from the last food delivery and sat on a corner of his bed willing himself to go to the bath and get it over and done with. He’d been ‘willing’ himself for the past half an hour. 

Sleepiness crept over him like an avalanche but he had so many things to do. He could still smell the meat even though he’d wiped his hands countlessly on different wipes. It made no difference; the scent clung to him like the blood on Lady Macbeth’s hands and disgusted him repeatedly every time he’d get a waft. What’d happened? A year ago, he’d have brought a cologne that smelled like meat but now? Now he wanted to do nothing more than to have a shower and scrub himself of the smell after emptying himself. He nearly caught himself in the mirror while looking forward but stopped just in time; it wouldn’t do for Dean to be anymore disgusted than he already was. 

Even shaving caused him to wince in disgust. Fat. He was drowning in it. He felt it every time he jiggled past Sam on missions and every time he’d knock on his collarbones only to find out they’d sunk slightly lower than the last time he’d checked.

His face was an entire shit show and the whole situation had affected Dean so severely that he’d stopped pulling girls. Sure, some still slid up but he’d push them away claiming to be married, never mind Lisa who he’d broken up with after he got tired of her questioning him about his health. He didn’t need anyone questioning his sanity, he was just fine. Not that he deserved her anyway. She deserved someone better.   
He knew he was a vile disgusting pathetic piece of crap and was so damn lucky that Sam had not abandoned him. He should have. He deserved to die alone in some ditch covered in his own vomit. 

Right. Have a shower. Purge. Scrub. Dry and dress. Walk for an hour, or more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> purple grapes are better than green

**Author's Note:**

> who knows, is this the start of something wonderful and new, or one more dream that i cannot make true...


End file.
